Journey to the Dark Side - Part Deux

Once I was a PC snob, I've converted to the dark side, bought myself a MacBook and now I am a confirmed Mac Nerd.

The Machine

What I like about the Mac:

The Leopard operating system is rock solid.  I've owned my Macbook for over a month and the system has yet to crash.  Boot times for my Dell would take several minutes, for the Mac it runs about 30 seconds and most of the time, I just close it up without turning off the system.  It pops right back up the moment I open the lid.  When I try that it XP, it system would go into a fatal sleep mode.

My MacBook is half the size of my Dell and the batteries seem to discharge much more slowly.  The built-in wireless card connects to my Buffalo wireless network without a hitch.  I connected my laptop to my Canon printer and the system recognized the printer and started printing without a hitch.   I was nervous about getting just 2 gigs of RAM - that's just barely enough memory to run Vista, but apparently that's more than enough memory for the Mac.  So far, it seems to handle everything I've thrown at it.

Programs are seamlessly integrated together.  No need to futz around with settings trying to make programs make nice with each other.

Backup using Time Machine is a dream.  I purchased an external Passport HD, reformatted it for the Mac and hooked it up to the USB port on my Mac.  Time Machine did the rest.  Backups are painless and run in the background.

Oh yeah, the all aluminum case is way cool.

What I don't like:

The glass track pad is a moderate pain in the kiester.  Apple did issue a software patch for it, but it still glitches from time to time.

Software:

Being cheap, I opted for iWork instead of Microsoft Office.  Although iWork Pages saves documents in its own format, it can read Word files.  To save in Word, I have to 'export' the file.  Most Mac software is thought of as being more 'intuitive' that Windows, but I'm not convinced.  There's still a learning curve which system you use.  I generally like Pages.  My biggest gripe is that it didn't come with a manual - so help is on disk or on-line.  Whoever designed it wasn't a writer.  Formatting page numbers, especially starting a novel chapter at any page other than page 1, requires plowing through menus.  It's much easier with Word.

Safari vs. Firefox  I haven't tried Firefox for the Mac, Safari satisfies most of my needs.  It doesn't have the Window's version of  Firefox's capability to block ads or install a wide variety of plug-ins, but then again, Safari doesn't have the memory leaks that plague Firefox either.

iPhoto seems lightweight in comparison to Photoshop Elements, so I opted to purchase PE.  I've installed it, but haven't used it much.  To be effective, I'll need to try to hook the laptop up to a monitor.

My biggest gripe on software is the lack of a decent financial management program.  I'd been using MS Money on my PC, but that isn't available for the Mac.  Reviews for Quicken for Mac are abysmal, so I've been searching for something to manage my money.  I tried a turkey called Cha-Ching.  It's a dog, don't bother.  I recently bought something called Checkbook which is okay, but not as sophisticated as Money.  It'll do for now, but there's a market out there for a programmer willing to work on it.

I love my MacBook.  So much so, that I'm thinking about replacing my Dell desktop with an iMac.  Sigh, how far the mighty PC snob has fallen.

The Shoeing of the President

The scary thing about this video isn't some guy tossing his shoe at the President.  Hey, more power to him.  The scary thing is the sloppy response by the Secret Service.  Watch the one agent sitting to Bush's right.  He must have his thumb up his ass as he never really responds to the threat.  Replace shoes with a weapon and the President is toast.

Switching to the Dark Side

I've finally succumbed and turned to the dark side.  I've given up on Windows and bought a Mac  Book.  I'd told myself I'd never buy another Apple after they dumped the Apple II line.  My first computer was a beauty - an A motherboard Apple IIe with 64 K of ram (that's kilobytes my friend) and dual 128 5 1/4 inch floppy drives.  It came with a state of the art 10" green and black screen.  That puppy put me back $2500 (that's in 1979 dollars) and I must say it was love at first sight.  I eventually added another 64 K of ram: cost $120, a 10 megabyte hard drive that sounded like a vacuum cleaner and was the size of a small suitcase: cost $500 and a Brother clackity-clack dot matrix printer: cost $300.  The Apple IIe eventually ended up running a creative writing BBS called The Blue Parrot.  The Parrot was up and running for 5 years, an eternity for BBSs in pre-Internet days, then my power supply croaked. Sigh.

Saying no way to Apple products, I drifted from the Atari ST (great machine, no user base) into the IBM world.  Microsoft DOS sucked, Windows was even worse, but like most clones, I made do the best I could.

A few months ago, my Dell Inspiration showed ominous signs of pending failure:  boot errors, frequent blue screens of death - common enough with Windows, but the frequency was increasing.  I looked around - XP was on the way out the door and Vista sounded like hell on earth.  I looked at the new Macbook-a little light on ram , but the reviews were good and the operating system seemed solid.  I said what the hell and plunked down $1300 and took that puppy home.

I haven't been disappointed.

Next:  A review of the computer and software from a long time computer nerd perspective.

 

War with Spain?

John McCain wants to fire long time Republican hack and SEC Chairman, Chris Cox, apparently because McCain believes Cox is to blame for our recent financial crisis by not regulating hedge funds and the trading of derivatives. John seems to forget that Cox had nothing to do with AIG, Lehman Brothers and Washington Mutual crashing and burning. Rather, this crisis was a long time coming and grew from the Republican-driven deregulation of the real estate, insurance and banking industries, which just happened to be championed by George Bush and John McCain. Now, instead of fixing the mess, McCain throws Cox under the bus and calls for a long-term '9-11 like' commission to study the mess while our economy goes further down the crapper.

This just in: In a bizzare interview with Cadena SER, John McCain either thinks that Spain lies somewhere south of Mexico or those darned Iberians just can't be trusted. The link is here:

Ben Stein Says What He Really Thinks

I'm not a big Ben Stein fan, but I've got to admire his candor.

Be Scared America, Be VERY Scared

This woman doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.

He doth protest too much

John McCain seemed to take great offense at Obama's lipstick on a pig comment.

Here's righteous John using the same term in reference to Hillary Clinton.



John, I really admire how you can talk out of both sides of your mouth at the same time. Did you learn that from George?

Football Follies

A review of the week two's action by a Duck homer

Washington 27
BYU 28
I hate the Huskies, I hate Seattle, I hate purple and gold, but with that being said, the Huskies got jobbed last weekend. The referee made a strict interpretation of a bad rule. Locker's enthusiasm cost the Dawgs a shot at winning the game and it wasn't his fault.

Oregon State 14
Penn State 45
Are the Beavers that bad or is Penn State that good? I know Riley's teams start slow, but I'm not sure they'll recover from what looks like a 1-4 start.

Utah State 24
Oregon 66
Much joy in Duckdom, but I saw a couple of errors that need to be corrected. Their first real test comes up this week on the road at Purdue.

California 66
WSU 3
This score says more about WSU lack of talent and coaching than California's overall strength.

Stanford 17
ASU 41
I actually expected more from Stanford in this game. ASU is loaded. Look out Pac 10.

Toledo 16
Arizona 41
Arizona beats up on another lower tier team. They'll continue the trend next week when they crush New Mexico.

UCLA 27
Tennesee 24
Make no mistake, Tennesee may have been overrated, but Neuheisel is a great game coach. Expect BYU to have their hands full this weekend.

PAC 10 Power Rankings

The Haves:

1. USC - The Trojans are the king until deposed, though I think that someone along the line will knock them off this year. Take the Trojans over Ohio State and give the 10 points. It'll end up being a laugher.

2. Oregon - The Ducks have some the best skill people in the conference and maybe the best offensive coordinator in the nation with Chip Kelly. Their problem will be keeping enough people healthy to finish as well as they start.

3. ASU - Many don't care for Dennis Erickson, but he's one hell of a coach. The problem with him is that he has happy feet and won't stay anywhere for too long. The Sun Devils won't break a sweat with UNLV.

4. Cal - Another team with a great coach. Like the Ducks they have problems finishing the season as strong as they start. They shouldn't have many problems with Maryland.


The Dark Horses:

5. UCLA - The domination in LA is over. I give the Bruins as much chance as anyone to upset USC this year. Neuheisel's problem isn't in his coaching, but in his management style. He left his last two teams in shambles after his departure.. Expect UCLA to do well for a couple of years, then start a slow slide into mediocracy. Until then though, they'll be hell on wheels.

6. Arizona - Mike Stoops doesn't have the coaching talent of some other PAC 10 coaches, but he has had some good recruiting years that are starting to pay off.

7. Stanford - The Cardinal showed some spark against the Beavs, but stumbled against ASU. They'll be up and down this year, but don't be surprised if they upset one or two of the 'Haves' along the way.


The Have-Nots:

8. Washington - As much as I despise the Huskies, I think Willingham is a decent man and a pretty fair coach. The program was in such a mess when he took over, that it'll take time to right the ship. The bad news for him is that the boosters with bucks are calling for his head. They should do something more productive like putting time and effort into upgrading their facilities.

9. OSU - Riley's teams are an enigma. They roll over and whimper for Cinncinatti and Penn State, then pop up and beat Oregon and USC. I watched their spring game this year and but for a few exceptions, Sammie Slaughter for one, the talent just isn't there. No bowl for the Beavs this year.

10. WSU - When Mike Price let his gonads overload his brain in the strip club a couple of years ago, the Cougs should have taken him back no questions asked. He's one of the few coaches that could win with any regularity up in Pullman. Their only chance for a win this year might be against Portland State, but then again, Jerry Glanville has that game circled in red.

Sarah Palin's Hitlist

Books that Sarah Palin wanted while she was mayor of Wallisa, Alaska.

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess (most un-Christian ultra-violence not in the cause of Christian warriors)

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (not sure why but I know a bannable book when I see it!)

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle

Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden

As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner ("N"-word and disrespectful to Confederacy)

The Bastard by John Jakes (its naughty title an attack on the idea of childbirth only after holy wedlock -- did you hear that, Bristol???)

Blubber by Judy Blume (general naughtiness, faintly salacious title)

Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (utopianism and socialism)

Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson (unwholesome fantasy)

The Canterbury Tales by Chaucer (classic smut, or smoote, if you will; un-Christian depiction of female sexual desire)

Carrie by Stephen King (Christian girls shouldn't know about menstruation)

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller (mocks the military; disrespectful of God's calling to kill enemies, both foreign & domestic)

The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (promotion of morbid individualism, lack of respect for caring, nurturing parents and teachers)

The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier (subversion of Christian fund-raising endeavors)

Christine by Stephen King (disrespectful of classic Detroit automobiles and sacred MADE IN USA in a Saipan Sweatshop" ethos)

The Color Purple by Alice Walker (attack on fundamental values keeping a Christian home and society together by well-known socialist)

Confessions by Jean-Jacques Rousseau (Christian children shouldn't be exposed to masturbating Utopians who are ur-Communists)

Cujo by Stephen King (disrespectful of dogs, a Christian man's best friend)

Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen (black magick!)

Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite (promotion of faggotry)

Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck (disrespectful of Christian values in denigrating "the other white meat"; promotion of un-Christian vegetarianism, which is particularly distasteful in gun 'n huntin' happy Alaska where Sarah Palin rules as Diana, Mistress of the Hunt)

Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller (mocking the American Dream and Protestant Work ethic; NOTE: Marilyn Monroe's commie-symp non-Christian ex-husband defied the House Un-American Activities Committee which was doing God's own work by attempting to clean out the Hollywood pig sty)

Decameron by Boccaccio (classic filth, or fylthe if you will)

The Devil's Alternative by Frederick Forsyth (provides comfort to Lucifer, the Son of the Morning Star, the Enemy of the One True God)

East of Eden by John Steinbeck (teenage rebellion, unauthorized interpretation of Book of Genesis, written by commie-symp)

Fallen Angels by Walter Myers (disrespectful of God's chosen agents of change)

Fanny Hill (Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure) by John Cleland (Dirty Book, or "D.B." if you will -- Along with Lady Chatterly's Lover and Tropic of Cancer, this is the granddaddy of all D.B.s!)

The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs ("figure" is a word that can be used for naughty ends to promote naughty minds)

Flowers For Algernon by Daniel Keyes (debases belief in miracles)

Forever by Judy Blume (smut for teenagers)

The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck (witches brew of socialism and smut; promotes cruelty to animals, specifically, our terrapin friends)

The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson

Grendel by John Gardner (bad language, disrespectful of classic Nordic literature no one has ever read)

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood (attack on author's Christian fundamentalist betters)

Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam (pagan evil)

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling (see above)

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling (ditto)

Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling (ditto)

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling (ditto)

Have to Go by Robert Munsch

Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman (lesbian crap responsible for rising popularity of Ellen on boob tube)

The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder

How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell (promotion of unsanitary eating habits)

Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens mocked Christianity as the one true religion)

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (unacceptable indictment of white Christian paternalism towards our benighted dark brothers and sisters, one with us in Christ)

Impressions edited by Jack Booth (unknown, but author does share surname with authentic Confederate, er, American hero who fought tyranny!)

In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak (promotes un-Christian eating habits)

It's Okay if You Don't Love Me by Norma Klein (author is suspected to be non-Christian)

James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl (offended Georgia fruit lobby)

Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence (D.B., see note Fanny Hill)

The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks

Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman (unwholesome gay propaganda wholly injurious to young, developing Christian minds)

Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm

The Living Bible by William C. Bower (undermines the literal Word of God!)

Lord of the Flies by William Golding (see Note for It's Okay if You Don't Love Me)

Love is One of the Choices by Norma Klein (ditto)

Lysistrata by Aristophanes (it's a Greek thing and therefore unwholesome and un-Christian)

The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare (undermines the Christian ideal of the sanctity of a contract no matter who is party to the deal; on the other hand, it does feature a conversion to Christ)

More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz (subversive)

My Brother Sam Is Dead by James L incoln Collier and Christopher Collier

My House by Nikki Giovanni

My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara (Papist pagan horse-worship by author with allegiance to anti-Christ in Rome)

The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman (kiddie porn!)

Night Chills by Dean Koontz

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck (supports euthanasia for both man and beast)

On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer

One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn (not quite sure about this one but obviously, if the say it should be banned, I'm for banning it!)

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey (although its revelation of the Wall St.-money Easterners dominated "Combine" is appreciated, Kesey subverts American values by supporting euthanasia and offending the American Medical Association by an oblique attack on the medical profession via Big Nurse)

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez (commie-symp trash)

Ordinary People by Judith Guest (glamorizes suicide and teenage lust!

Our Bodies, Ourselves by Boston Women's Health Collective (pornography)

The Pigman by Paul Zindel

Prince of Tides by Pat Conroy (any book "good enough" for Barbra Streisand is good enough to be banned!)

Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl (filth)

Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz

Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz

The Seduction of Peter S. by Lawrence Sanders (the "S" word)

Separate Peace by John Knowles (glamorization of Eastern Establishment that is in league with communist Russia)

The Shining by Stephen King (promotion of un-Christian spiritual values such as telepathy; promotion of unhealthy disrespect for paternal figures; historical revisionism -- someone told me that the book was an indictment of Christian America's treatment of the pagan red Indian)

Silas Marner by George Eliot (undermines notions of Christian thrift and industry)

Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (mocks good Christian warriors and the Good War)

Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs (attack on Christian values)

Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume (D.B. writer targeting teens)

To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee (undermines Christian values by questioning the "peculiar" order of things in the South, possibly ghost-written by notorious homosexual)

Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare (celebration of pagan values by cross-dressing English fairycake)

Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary by the Merriam-Webster Editorial Staff (motherload of dirty words)

The Witches by Roald Dahl (Roald Dahl has a naughty mind!)

The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder

Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols by Edna Barth (primer for pagans)


Webster's 9th? My Friend Flicka? Sarah, get a life.

The Road to Cambodia Pt. 1

B-52s drop bombs the size of Chryslers and the earth shivers beneath our boots. Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. We're bivouacked halfway between Loch Ninh and Snuol on the wrong side of the fucking Cambodian border and our Captain who sent us here said, "Go for the glory boys, but remember this operation is off the books. We can't come and get you." Fucking thanks, pal. We're bivouacked half a klick east of Highway 13, waiting for night so we can creep back to the highway and reconnoiter the North Vietnamese regulars streaming down the Ho Chi Minh Trail and tell the Air Force where to drop their bombs except they've already started without us.

"Let's frag the L.T.," the H-man says.

"You're fucking nuts," I say. The H-man is my best friend here by default. He's a crazy red-headed fucker, prone to practical jokes which only serve to piss people off. He also has introduced me to the whore houses in Saigon and taught me how to mainline heroin, though I'm much more of a psychedelic kind of guy. H-man is an acquired taste that most don't appreciate, but I've discovered he's absolutely the best man to cover your ass in a firefight.

"No, seriously," he says. "He's an asshole."

I slap at a little stinging bug and another bites me on the backside of the knee. "Got anymore jungle juice," I say.

"It doesn't work," H-man stands and starts pacing. He has no stomach for waiting.

"I feel better doing something," I say. There are four of us on this little soire. There used to be five, but fucking Murphy shot off his big toe just as the helicopter was dropping us off. It was on purpose. We all knew the score, but it's his toe. His life.

"Roy," H says, "let's frag the L.T."

"I'm cool," Roy nods his head to a tune only he can hear. Roy's real name is Leroy Rogers, but everyone call's him Roy since the H-man made the mistake of calling him LEE-roy in an insulting way and Roy, though being 40 pounds lighter than H, cold-cocked him and proceeded to pound H around the head until we pulled him off. They're at peace now, but I expect it won't hold.

"Be cool, H-man", I say. They call me the Bear, mostly because when I was a pre-Med student at Oregon, I was a long-haired shaggy fucker. Lifes been running down hill for me recently. I flunked out of school, got drafted and sent here. My girlfriend, Terry, send me a half-assed Dear Bear letter last week. "Gosh, Michael, I've met the neatest man. His name is Bruce and he's a grad assistant in the Psych department. But we're just friends. " H-man told me to forget her, but I can't.

My other big problem is a killed my first man a couple of weeks ago. Being a pacifist motherfucker, I had promised myself I'd get through this without killing anyone. That changed over near An Loc when we were pulling out after an operation and the VC were on our ass. Sgt. Packston had just taken a round in the chest and I was holding the LZ perimeter so they could load him on the chopper, when this little fucker charged me, and I had no choice to tat, tat, tat, him across the chest and then watch him die. So now Im a killer and full of existential angst and I can't shake the blues.

"I'm coming in", the L.T. says.

"Far out man", Roy says.

The L.T. bursts through the bush breathing hard and says, "Saddle up, boys. Time to hit the trail." He's a ROTC grad from Miami of Ohio and his name is Wilson. He's our L.T. until he's dead or promoted.

"Its still light out," H says.

"They're moving in force", LT says. "Our job is to observe and report."

"Fuck that, man," H says.

"The man said saddle up." Roy unlimbers and climbs to his feet.

"Fine, H says," but it isnt.

Another bug bites me and were all out of bug juice and dope. The bombs keep falling, the earth shivers and we head into hell. Whomp. Whomp. Whomp.

Click, click, click

5 am. The racket of the birds in the trees awakens me and I stare with content at the ceiling. My wife snores softly beside me.

The racket stills and I hear a soft pop, pop, pop.
A firefight, not ours, but not distant either.
I'm back in the jungle again, waiting in ambush, 18 and scared,
staring into darkness so deep that it hurts the eyes,
102 degrees and rain like pea gravel falls on my head.
Jungle rot eats away at my dick.
The pain is unbearable, but I remain frozen.

Something snaps and the H-man click, click, clicks the Claymores.
Blue and yellow muzzle flashes light the narrow path,
I scream but don't make a sound.
I can't hear the men dying.
Can hell be any worse than this?

"Daddy, daddy," my daughter cries. "You were screaming." The birds are singing again. "Everything's fine, sweetie," I say. "Come into bed with us. Everything is fine."

Marking the Ballot

Time for another Oregon election, time for marking our ballots. I should say up front, in local races, my primary focus is on the environment and education. With that being said, here's how I voted:

Governor: Ted Kulongoski

Kulongoski is the man Oregonians love to hate. Nobody seems to be sure exactly why, he's spent most of the past term mixing in with the wallpaper. Maybe his blandness is a magnet for our frustrations. To be honest, there just isn't anyone on the Democratic side that I can support. I had an opportunity to glimpse Jim Hill in the state legislature a few years back and found him to be Arrogant with a capital 'A'. The other contender, Pete Sorenson, is a complete lightweight. In Kulongoski's defense, I do think he did a decent job of guiding the Oregon economy through the Bush-induced 2001 recession. If Westlund gets on the fall ballot as an independent, I'll reconsider how I'll vote, but for now, Kulongoski is my guy.


City Council, Position 2: Erik Sten

Last week, I met with Commissioner Sten regarding some police oversight committee business. I wasn't sure if I would like him, I'm still not sure, but I did find him to be straight forward, savvy, and astute. Another factor in his favor, is that he's been willing to go after Portland General Electric and Enron hammer and tong. His chief rival, Ginny Burdick, is a shill for the Portland Business Alliance. Portland is one of the most livable cities in the nation because business doesn't completely rule city government. I hope that doesn't change.


City Council, Position 3: Dan Saltzman

Saltzman's albatross is a hare-brained idea to cover the city reservoirs. But other than that, he's provided sound leadership for our city. Besides, anyone that's willing to take a crack at the Police and Fire Disability and Retirement program has my vote.

City Auditor: Gary Blackmer

Gary is running unopposed, so he doesn't need to worry about reelection, but I'd like to say that working with him has been a pleasure. He's smart, honest, dedicated and knows his business inside and out.


County Commission Chair: Diane Linn

This one was a very close call for me. Diane Linn has absolutely no finesse when dealing with sensitive issues or it seems with her fellow Commissioners. She may have done more harm than help with her approach to the gay marriage issue, but I people tend to forget that she wasn't the only commissioner pushing that issue. Gay marriage is a concept whose time has come and that I support whole-heartedly, Linn just tried to sneak it in the side door and got caught. I think she's made a strong commitment to the environment and trying to find funding for local schools. An environmental wonkette friend of mine urged me to vote for Ted Wheeler, but his only claim to fame is millions in the bank and a lack of governmental experience. The Oregon League of Conservation Voters endorses Linn. I agree.

US House, District 3: Earl Blumenauer

Running unopposed. He's quietly effective and a strong advocate for Portland and the environment. If the Dems take over the House, he'll be well-placed in the House hierarchy.

Names from my spam filter

Writers struggle thinking up names of characters. Here's a list of names that have recently shown up as senders in my e-mail spam folder:
Calehall U. Candor
Elma Grupps
Maurice Simons
Roselle Baron
Esyllt DeWolf
Rameses Varnum
Rufus Metcalf
Malcolm Ratliff
Hopefullness V. Hysteria

Who knew that spammers were so creative?

O Give me a home

I always know when the Rose Festival is around the corner when the cops roust homeless people camping underneath the Steel Bridge. With nowhere else to go, homeless folks trudge out to the suburbs or camp in the blackberry bushes on the slopes along the Banfield Freeway. Out of sight, out of mind is our city motto.

Cops don't enjoy this task, they have better things to do with their time, but the city fathers and business interests have decreed that we can't have down and out people with their shopping carts and sleeping bags sullying the image of this fair city. Things might be different this year, though. The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that arresting the homeless for "sitting, lying or sleeping in public access areas is unconstitutional." Being homeless is not a crime. What a concept. This has to be a real headache for the Royal Rosarians. What to do with all those homeless folks now?

I did a couple of tours in Diginity Village, a homeless camp, teaching creative writing to the residents. Many had problems of one sort or another, but almost all wanted the chance to make something of their lives. A homeless woman in my class, Laura, told me "don't believe the guys on the freeway onramps saying they want money for food. I've gained 20 pounds here since I moved to Portland standing in one line or another waiting to be fed. What I learned is that everyone is willing to feed the homeless, but they aren't willing to give them a place to stay. There are an estimated 2500 to 3000 homeless people are here in the Portland, maybe 500 more come in the summer when the kids are on the move, but there are only 200 shelter beds total for everyone. Dignity Village hosts another 45 residents and can handle ten more using flop space on the couches. If homeless in Portland and you're a single woman or man, you're pretty much out of luck for finding a safe place to spend the night, ditto for childless couples. Families may find a spot if they're lucky, but if dad's around, he's probably going to end up separated from mom and the kids.

Portland's No Camping ordinance is similar to LA homeless law struck down by the Court of Appeals and may be unenforceable. This year, the Rose Festival may have some unwanted local color (at least unwanted by some), but maybe this is just what is needed to make Portland put some resources into helping the homeless get off the streets.

What a Shocking Development

Recently in Portland, a man under the influence of cocaine was subdued by a police officer wielding a taser. The man subsequently died while being treated by medical personnel. The State Medical Examiner stated that:

"I have come to the conclusion that [Timothy] Grant died of a cocaine overdose with excited delirium and taser application was not a cause of his death," said Oregon State Medical Examiner Karen Gunson. "Would he have died without the taser? Yes, in my opinion."

Amnesty International has called for a moratorium on the use of tasers by law enforcement in the United States pending further research into taser related deaths. The Medical Examiner concluded that Mr. Grant died of cocaine delirium. Cocaine delirium has also been associated with in-custody deaths related to positional asphyxia in which a person might die of asphyxia (or suffication) usually an intense struggle with police.

I'm not a big fan of tasers; their use should be limited, but I don't think that the community can expect police officers to do a dangerous job without allowing them to employ adequate tools. People under the influence of drugs or those with mental illness are at times almost impossible to control. Police officers are taught to use a use of force continuum in effecting an arrest. The continuum is as follows:

a. Officer presence, uniform
b. Verbal Commands [military orders in reality]
c. Control holds - Come-a-longs and wrist locks.
d. OC - pepper spray/mace
e. Batons
f. TASERS
g. Deadly force

Control holds and batons are pain compliance techniques. You twist someone's arm or thump them on the fatty part of the thigh with a baton, the person is supposed to do what you want because they want the pain to stop. Pepper spray and tasers hurt, but they're also supposed to incapacitate an individual. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. The more whacked out a person is on drugs or alcohol, the less effective pepper spray may be. The same holds true for a person suffering from mental illness or defect. A person affected by drugs or mental disease may be unusually strong and resistant to pain. A single officer or pair of officers may be physically unable to restrain such a person. If officers are prohibited from using tools such as pepper spray, batons and tasers and their ass is getting kicked, then deadly force may be their last and only option. What an ugly news story that will make.

The use of tasers must be limited by policy and stricter polices are needed than are currently in place. Tasers should not be used on children, the elderly, pregnant women, the disabled, or persons known to have a heart defect. Repeated use should be prohibited except under strictly defined circumstances. Training should be expanded and every instance where a taser has been employed should be reviewed for adherence to policy and procedure.

Good night, Good luck

My recollection of Edward R. Murrow is hazy. I remember him best for his deep, soothing voice, his chain-smoking and his show, Person-to-Person. I remember Marilyn Monroe and Joe Dimagio (or was it Arthur Miller) showing off their home. "This is our bedroom, Ed," she said. Yikes! Heady stuff even for a five year old. Joeseph McCarthy is less memorable, a man who seemed yucky, like some evil uncle that you intuitively knew to avoid. We never did the duck and cover in elementary school. The high desert of Central Oregon was too far out in the sticks for the Russians to waste an atomic bomb. But I do remember going with my mother on crisp February mornings to the cinder block house on the ridge behind the new hospital where we watched the skies for commie bombers. We had binoculars and a flip book to identify military aircraft: Russian /Bears and American B-whatevers. My mom used the clipboard to note American aircraft. There was a black phone there, maybe to call the Strategic Air Command if we were invaded, though I suspect it would be too late by then. Everybody was a little scared then, but the real consequences seemed to fall on someone far away, so there seemed no need to take action, to stand up.

The fear inspired by McCarthy and his cronies is little different that what the neo-cons use today to control the public. We must stop terrorists they say, when in actuality, we are less safe now than before 9-11. Those who dissent are intimidated and silenced by personal attacks. Real problems are ignored. We attack the wrong targets for the wrong reasons and money flows into the hands of the few. Maybe, just maybe, Bushes' house of cards is beginning to collapse, but for the young men and women dead in Iraq,just like for those crushed by the blacklists and the Senate Inquisition, relief comes too late.

Kick Ass and Take Names

So the a cop has stopped you, nailed you for a $398 speeding ticket and to top it off called you a cheese head and you're not even from Wisconsin. Cheesehead, indeed. You want to complain, but you're wondering about the stories from south Florida when citizens were intimidated by supervisors when they tried to file complaints. What do you do?

1. Know what to complain about.

Don't complain about getting the ticket or the cop towing your car or confiscating your dope. You need to allege misconduct or illegal behavior: the cop called you a cheesehead, beat the crap out of you or asked for a bribe. That's misconduct.

2. Document the incident.

Write down what happened as soon as you can. Get the names and addresses of witnesses. If it's your word against the cop's, then you'll probably lose. Independent witnesses bolster your case. Oh yeah, pictures and videos are killer evidence.

3. Know where to complain.

Police departments have three general systems for gathering complaints. In Portland, we have an Independent Police Review that is part of City Auditor's Office, not the Police Department. This bureau takes all complaints against the police, does a primary investigation and refers complaints of misconduct to the Internal Affairs Division of the Portland Police Bureau. This model is becoming prevalent in larger cities such as San Francisco, Omaha and Denver. In my opinion, this is the best way out there for local governments to handle complaints against police officers. The second method is that all complaints are forwarded to the Internal Affairs Division. Apparently if you live in Florida, you may get some grief if you try to score a complaint form. Go to Internal Affairs directly. Don't let a uniform sergeant intimidate you. The third and weakest system is having a supervisor take the complaint. If you're faced with this, good luck. Some supervisors are honestly concerned about your complaint, but some just want to get you out the door. Try to talk to someone higher in the food chain, a lieutenant or the Chief, even if you have to wait until the next day. And if you're drunk or stoned, wait until you're straight to file that complaint. It'll be harder for them to blow you off.

4. Get help

As an ex-cop, I shudder to give this advice, but if you're being stonewalled, check out other agencies or organizations that might help: the ACLU is interested in cases with constitutional ramifications, many ethnic assistance groups may help you, and dare I say it, there are some groups that focus on promoting police accountability. In Portland, Cop Watch is the place to go.

5. Don't give up.

If you really think that you've been on the receiving end of misconduct, don't let a lower level police supervisor dissuade you. Keep plugging away and make sure that your complaint is accepted.

6. Be realistic.

If it's your word against the officer's, chances are not much will happen. But, complaints against police officers are like green stamps. If they collect enough of them, they get a big surprise in the end.

Book recommendation: Pavane by Keith Roberts

Anthony Burgess named Pavane as one of the 99 best novels of the 20th century. Pavane is an alternate history that wonders what if Queen Elizabeth I had been assassinated in 1588? What if the Spanish Armada defeated England. What if the Catholic Church dominated most of known world into the Twentieth century? Then perhaps, the Church would limit technology to 19th century levels, to steam locomotives and primative radios. Perhaps many would worship the old gods, and an idyllic countryside might hide growing discontent and darkness.

This novel works for a couple of reasons. First: Roberts could write as well as any literary novelist:

At three in the afternoon the engine sheds were already gloomy with the coming night. Light, blue and vague, filtered through the long strips of skylights, showing the roof ties stark like angular metal bones. Beneath, the locomotives waited brooding, hulks twice the height of a man, their canopies brushing the rafters. The light gleamed in dull spindle shapes, here from the strappings of a boiler, there from the starred boss of a flywheel. The massive road wheels stood in pools of shadow.

Through the half-dark a man came walking. He moved steadily, whistling between his teeth, boot studs rasping on the worn brick floor. He wore the jeans and heavy reefer jacket of a haulier; the collar of the jacket was turned up against the cold. On his head was a woolen cap, once red, stained now with dirt and oil. The hair that showed beneath it was thickly black. A lamp swung from his hand, sending cusps of light flicking across the maroon livery of the engines.

Secondly, Roberts uses linked short stories to tell an epic tale in an understandable manner. Some have criticized Robert's use of linked short stories, as being too simplistic or muddled, but I think they may not understand that linked short stories provide a whole greater than the sum of the parts. No only is there a story arc in the individual stories, but a greater arc when the stories are taken together. Linked short stories are one of my favorite forms of storytelling. Check out Love Medicine by Louise Erdrich, Annie John by Jamaica Kincaid or The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien. They're all great literary novels.

Oh yes, a word of warning. I didn't perceive the book as being anti-Catholic, but devout Catholics may not like how the Church is portrayed. Hey, I'm a lackadaisical Unitarian, what do I care?

What gripes my ass Friday--Ann Coulter

I was going to take a pot shot at photo radar for this column, then I stumbled across Ann Coulter's diatribe on the Oscars. Her rant is designed not to amuse or inform, but to offend. The column is racist, homophobic and facist. This is the woman that believes that Joseph McCarthy is just a poor persecuted right-thinking patriot. I'm not sure if she says these things for effect, or if she really believes the horse shit that flows from her mouth. I don't subscribe to the notion of hell, but if I'm wrong, one consolation is that Ann's scrawny bleached-blond ass will sizzle there like pork sausage on a short order grill.

Har! Har! Har!

"Michael."
". . . and another thing you bitch . . ."
"Michael!" the Doctor says raising his voice.
"Yes, sir," I say.
"Put down the keyboard. We've talked about throwing things, haven't we?"
"Yes, sir." My keyboard suddenly feels heavy in my hand.
"Have you taken your meds today?" he asks.
"Well . . ."
"They will make you feel much better. Ranting about that nasty old Ann Coulter makes you feel all yucky inside, doesn't it?" Doctor Frankenstupe holds out some pills for me: one fat yellow one and one tiny blue one.
"Could I have two blue ones?" I ask. "They'll help calm me down."
"Just this once," the Doctor says. After I take the pills, he waves at me with three fingers and shuts the door. I spit out the yellow pill and flush it down the toilet.
"I feel much better now," I say to no one in particular after the blue pills kick in.

Good-bye Crystal Corral

You've drifted off the Interstate and into an alternate version of Americana. The two in the backseat, your son, Derrick and mother-in-law, Emily, have talked you into this little excursion down US Highway 26. You're somewhere in the far side of Oregon; the side with no tourists, passing little burgs like Prairie City and John Day and Moores Crossing. You never knew Oregon was this varied; pine forests and mountains and juniper and sage deserts. You wife, Susan wanted to visit the Painted Hills, and though you grumbled, you're glad you did.

Moving up the slopes, the snow became fierce. Crossing the Ochoco Summit was tricky and you almost wished you had an SUV like the rednecks. But you're on your way down now, and the day is grey and the snow has faded to patches.

You encounter the tail end of a lake that was probably hot stuff 40 years ago, but there are other better places, more lustrous ones now. Your boy has been whining about being hungry ever since Mark's Creek and Emily points out a sign: "Crystal Coral--restaurant 1 mile ahead". You're a man that doesn't like to stop for any reason, but you've got to pee like a big brown dog, so you say, "Okay."

The place doesn't look like much, just a tumble-down place, no gas station, just a sparse RV park and little attached diner. The place seems hopping and the sign out front says "Open". "Lots of cars," Emily says. "A good sign."

The inside is better than the out, walls of pure hand-milled pine that makes you feel warm. The family sits at a table and you look around expectantly for the john. No luck, so you finally ask. A stout woman with what seems like a perpetual grin tells out to head around out back. You wonder if she's kidding, but she isn't. The john is clean, but chipped and well-used. Old enough that your grandfather might have sat here when he was a young man.

Back inside, you order coffee, decaf, and the lady with the grin says there's not much call for decaf, but she'll brew some for you and you realize you're an unleaded man in a leaded world. You all order, you order a short stack just like your Grampa would. What seems to be a bunch of widow ladies are having a gay old time at the next table. Seems a granddaughter is there, or maybe a great-granddaughter and they sure are sparkling because of that little girl.


A man in a green uniform shirt and blue jeans wanders and Dexter says, "Look, a park ranger." "Forest ranger," the man says settling into the table next to us. He tells us his name is Dusty and he's headed back up to his station. Dexter and Emily want to go up there, but I say "enough is enough". Dusty tells us the snow is too deep and I like him a little more than I did originally. An old lady shuffles over and brings me my coffee. She seems as if she's in pain, and after she leaves, Dusty tells us she's got a back ticker and her Doc won't let her waitress no more. "Good you made it here," he says. "Place is closing up on March 8th." I ask how so, and he says that some big concern from over in Medford has bought the property and the owners will be moving out soon. "Too bad, this is a place where everyone knows your name" he says, "but the new folks don't want to serve food. They'll bulldoze this place." Susan says what a shame and for her, it is. The food is better than you expect, the pancakes lighter than IHOP. When the old lady comes by with more coffee, you ask for a refill and don't care if it's caffeinated.

The woman with the perpetual grin that seems to be forced now cashes you out and you're surprised that you get change back from your twenty. As you leave, you look back through the window and see the old lady leaning against the counter. On the road again, you son asks, "Can we go back there, again, Dad?" And you wish to God you could say yes.