Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet),
or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke
(the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their
diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces
after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and
tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you
may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It
came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps
their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this
new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient
quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check
with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of
Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside,
drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your
left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a
DAY THREE ---
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers,
rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in
glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off
fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
FINAL DAY ---
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap,
an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half
cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.